So, my relationship is reaching the decade milestone next year. I would love to be able to say that my man and I have reached a harmonious level in our relationship... but I'd be lying. I don't think that level of harmony can really be reached until your Golden Years, and that's only because you don't give enough of a shit to use up the energy to fight with your significant other.
But what I have learned in my relationship is that there are certain rules you must follow to at least achieve the willpower not to kill your significant other. Common sense rules that do not seem to be so common.
SO! They are as follows:
Rule #1: Don't Cheat!
I know temptation is out there but I don't know how many times I've heard "It just happened."... So, I'm assuming by that statement, it went something like this... "BAM! Your clothes are off... BAM! Your uglies make contact... BAM! It's... over?" I don't think so. There has to be some degree of premeditation to that. It's not like when you talk to kids about sex and you say, "and BAM! Your little brother arrived." If picturing the look of pure hurt in y our significant other's eyes is not enough to stop you then try picturing the look of pure rage in their eyes as they wrap their hands around your neck.
Rule #2: Knowing Everything About Your SO = Bond. Not Ammunition.
Okay, so almost everyone is guilty of a little mudslinging when they fight. *raises hand* Myself included. It's very hard to control your mouth going on auto pilot when you're in the middle of a heated argument. But what I don't understand is when you get a tad bit annoyed and already you're mudslinging, using privileged information that only you know, to push your SO's buttons and drive them insane.
My question is: Why do something you know is going to ignite a fight? Why waste your time and energy trying to get into a huge fight that has the potential to spin out of control? Yea, sure, make up sex is great and all but it's not worth actually starting a fight for.
Rule #3: The Right Way to Argue
There is a generalized idea of men wanting space after a fight and women wanting to talk and talk and talk about it. I say, get to know your partner. Observe them. If after a fight they turn on the video games, or go to the gym, then it's best to let them cool off before engaging in a conversation. If, for example, you are like my fiance and I, then a compromise is needed. He is the type that wants some space to calm down and I am the type that needs to talk and vent to be able to calm down. The ideal would be that he does what he needs to, to calm down and I go and vent to a friend. However, this is where the inharmonious part of our relationship lies and we tend to forget what we need to do, individually, to calm down. In any case, if you want to avoid a headache then it's best to back off and respect each other's way of cooling off. To do otherwise would ultimately lead to the really bad mudslinging most of us try to avoid.
Rule #4: "Me-Time"
Just because you're in a relationship or even if you're in the family way, it doesn't mean you should forget that you are still an individual. Take time to just focus on you and your needs/wants. Your partner needs to respect that and you need to respect your partner's "Me-Time." Not a one way street, people. Besides, couple's that are handcuffed together come across as insecure and pretty annoying. You did have a life before your SO, you know? or maybe you didn't, I don't know, but in any case if you spent your single nights playing scrabble with your dog then that's nobody's B-I-business but your's... Maybe it's time to break out the scrabble tiles and reconnect with Fido. Whatever. Just take the time to do what you love.
Rule #5: Trust
This is the big one. If your SO has done nothing wrong, then don't treat them like they're Prisoner #248 in Cell Block A. If you can't trust your partner knowing damn well that they have not done anything wrong, then it's not them that needs to be checked; It's you. Heard the expression, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself?" That applies to you. You will single-handedly ruin your relationship faster then introducing a gerbil into your bedroom antics... (If you're into that, my bad. I won't judge.)
Now if your partner has done something wrong then you can do 1 of 2 things: Either you cut it and in which case this blog post need not apply to you anymore (You can do bad all by yourself anyway.) OR you can take the time to let yourself heal from the betrayal. Don't mask it! You'll just end up exploding into a fit of rage and not many people can afford bail. Talk it out with your partner. They need to understand and take the responsibility for their fuck-up and realize your trust isn't going to come back overnight. It takes a long time to build back broken trust and 0.5 seconds to screw it up. Communication is key and both of you need to be up to the commitment of making the relationship work. Otherwise go with Option 1 and tell your partner to kick rocks.
In Conclusion
There are so many more things to ensuring that your relationship doesn't turn into a bloodbath. But these 5 rules are the most common sense ones to follow. GOOD LUCK and when all else fails then read "Art of War" by Sun Tzu.
..::Fin::..
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